Enjoy the Journey, not the end game

Its 10pm, Friday 28th September 2012.

Like many, you are probably thinking "The channel swim should be over by now for Nikki and the team!, Should I ring? Did it go ok? The weather has been awful!"

So, who knew.. Who knew except our Pilot, who chose to not proactively tell us, that the week you choose to swim the channel is 'Just a guide'. Just a guide, towards which you have been training for 18 months, towards which your wonderful friends coalesce, travel from canada, and call, write, connect with you to see 'how it's going'....

In all other walks of life a date is a date (well, let's face it except childbirth).. But not this one - Mother nature truly has her fist wrapped around this one, deciding what weather shines or blows through, and in this case this is the daily reports that we were being issued:-

Dover -- Shipping Forecast - Issued: 0405 UTCMon 24 Sep Gale warnings - Southwesterly storm force 10 expected soon Wind -- Southeast 5 to 7, veering southwest 7 to severe gale 9, increasing storm 10 for a time.

i've no idea what that means but gale force 10 seems just a little extreme to me! Despite the sunshine in Great Kingshill with my amazing friend Claire from Vancouver and I having a lovely swim at the local Lido (temperature 21 degrees, and she has a new appreciation for how cold that is - remember we'll be swimming in 17 maximum, and that's warm compared to what we've been swimming!) The channel has had other ideas.

If we reflect and wonder why this has happened, I have to reflect on our real ability to be able to cope with the challenge, Niki and Bridget were both pretty ill last week after managing olympic activities and major organisational change initiatives respectively, and I have definitely been feeling weak and odd as I have been dealing with my fathers death last week. Poor Sarah was the only one really ready, so perhaps Mother nature was taking care of us? For me, the gift of a week to spend at a different pace, being a tourist in london and sharing memories and moments with Claire that wouldn't have been possible if the swim had happened as expected.

Our Pilot has told us he believes we'll swim before christmas, OMG, We seriously hope so, can you imagine a snowball fight one day and swim the channel the next? October is often good weather, and apparently the Neap tide is not all its cracked up to be - or perhaps it is, but if we want to swim, it'll just be a bit harder!...

So, To those of you who have sponsored us, to know our spirit is still FULLY ON! we are swimming in the serpentine in Hyde Park tomorrow morning at 8am - if you have been in the UK this week, it's not warm... swimming will continue and our commitment to our various charities does too. Yet another wonderful friend of mine died this week from cancer, and his wife asked me to swim for him, He was called Mike (the same as our Pilot), I'll absolutely swim for you, just have a word up there to make sure we can!!

We are also having a seabreezer dinner tomorrow night, to just stay deeply connected to each other, and perhaps celebrate the opportunity to extend this challenge and these relationships a little longer. Niki Lemon, Sarah Moralee, Bridget Gisby and Peter Frost, you are all wonderful special people, I can't wait to swim with you.

A reminder once again, that the journey is as important as the end game, as my strength and power return it's each day that matters.

Swimming in Treacle and Healing Hugs

Saturday 15th and Sunday 16th were always planned to be the last all girl swim before the channel neap tides began 23rd September, we put them in the calendar one afternoon early 2012 when we were all together building our training plans, it should have been the most fun weekend, all the hard work done and being fully ready for our swim.

After an exhausting week sitting vigil with my very sick father I said my goodbyes and headed down to his brothers in Sandbanks Poole to meet the girls for a swim saturday afternoon and a few hours on Sunday. Saturday was beautiful, the swimming was simple and cleansing, and the warmth of the late afternoon sun was a perfect balsam to a tired soul.

Sadly at 3am my twin called and broke the news that Dad had passed away, and amidst tears and whispered conversation i confess to feeling both huge sadness and huge relief - he lasted 9 days in palliative care with no food or fluid, he was made of stern stuff it appears, and at last was resting in peace. One upside was that it meant I could tell his brother face to face, small comfort for us both, but the connection to Dad in that hug was very special, something about serendipity there...

As usual, I paid scant regard to my emotional reaction, my rational self telling me that it was a blessing for him, crying a little but then ‘cracking on’ as he would have wanted. The day was grey and cool, but the sea was beautiful and calm, and the first hour was pleasurable with some extra drills in place to practice changing the pace up and down, something I am crap at. As we waited for Niki to arrive after a friends wedding, we did gymnastics and olympic long jump on the beach, giggling like 5 year olds, but anything to keep warm!

So you can see a picture of normality! Well, as normal as 3 grown women wearing multiple layers of towels, dressing gowns and hoodies can look on a deserted beach pretending to be olympic athletes. Pictures to prove it...

So, Why the title ‘swimming in treacle’?

The sea is always warmer the second time you go in, don’t know why, mental game I think. We were all smiling at the fact that at last the 4 of us were swimming side by side again, and the reality of being only 1 week away from the start of our swim was just brilliant. We swim at different paces, well, Moralee basically beats the rest of us hands down while we all try and keep up. We swam for 30 minutes down the coast, when the tide is gentle it means less need to swim back and forth - one of the brighton swims was 25 minutes in one direction and only 7 in the other for the same distance. It was about that point i noticed that my fluidity had escaped me, having learnt to swim from scratch, my muscle memory is pretty good, but I felt tired, in pain, and decidedly lumpy... in fact, on reflection, decidedly soggy.

Despite trying to be brave, keep going, and push them down, tears were trying to force themselves up. On land that isn’t a problem (although driving while crying is hard I have found), but when your face is buried in water, and your eyes are in goggles, the feeling was one of suffocation, and the harder I tried to stop them the slower my body went, my emotions being buried meant my body was somehow playing out the feeling, the slow, sad, weariness of the previous 3 weeks, and the sleepless previous night, and I was getting refusal. I hadn’t associated grief with the impact of shock. Even 4 days later as I write this, I am exhausted, trying not to worry about training, but just getting mentally fit for next week instead.

Anyway, how did it end? I swam slowly until I got into the buoy swimming area, where I could stand up, and then with the gentle waves, cool breeze and nature all around me I wept. I cried hard, those wonderful loud gulping noises we make when we no longer care what people think, sobs wracking me and salty tears joining the salty sea all around me. Bloody hell nature is amazing at helping us heal in that way. Niki, Bridget and Moralee swam to me, and gave me the most precious gift - they held me, all three of them hugging me, wrapped around me whispering, and encouraging me to let it go. I apologise unreservedly to them for the snotfest (to use my twins word), but not for the tears, and thank them from the heart of my bottom for just ‘being’ with me in that moment.

If you ever want to test the human spirit, just let your friends in. If you ever want to make new deep forever friends, take on a challenge with them. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to Dance in the Rain. The Channel swim has become a metaphor, alongside the passing of my wonderful dad, for living life to the full, for all those people who realise today is for now, go large or go home! If you want to sponsor me.... WWW.Justgiving.com/Nikki-Watkins-Seabreezers

Commitment comes in all Conditions

Two weekends ago Sunday 2nd September, we had to divert from Brighton as Gay Pride week was on, so in an attempt to find somewhere equally easy to get to, we scoured the south coast and decided on Worthing... Sounds nice?!

It was grey, raining and miserable - remember, I am the queen of ‘It will be glorious’ but for once, the universe conspired to ensure we were prepared for different weather. In an attempt to not get everything soaked, we agreed in the end to drive Bridgets car and park next to the beach on the main road, and get changed in the car. Our plan was to only wear our swim gear, flipflops, take one towel each and the car keys. Everything else was in the car (including my own car keys, all the phones, money, etc).

Walking to the beach was fun, people in waterproofs, welly boots, coats and umbrellas watched bewildered, and we sniggered at the curious sight we must have made. Fortunately I had packed a dustbin liner, so we packed our towels and keys and headed into the sea. It is a weird experience swimming in the rain, quite liberating, what we hadn’t bargained on was the masses of brown seaweed, the dirty water and the rip tides. Nonetheless we were determined.

At one point we were trying to swim a final 10 meters to a flag pole, it took 10 minutes of hard push to get there and as soon as we did we were swept back again! It was at that point we noticed how high the tide was, so decided to call it quits. At 80 minutes we finally staggered onto the beach as we watched my flipflops already floating and the sea lifting the bag up on the waves. Remember, inside the bag was towels and keys, we had NOTHING else with us.

Whilst the universe might have had ideas about the weather it also had a warning about preparation and safety. Even though my preparation skills are ok, I’ve always been a bit reckless (hated that word when someone first called me it), but it was a sobering thought that we could have been on a beach in the rain in our swimsuits with no way to contact anybody, no money, no transport, no phone. I’m sure people would have taken pity on us....wouldn’t they?

To add insult, we discovered there were no showers - there are never hot ones, but the seaweed and water left us covered in muck, in the end we found a storage cupboard with trains in and changed there - so unglamorous!! Especially when the train man came in midway through....

So, whilst you may have seen countless shots of us on sunny beaches, smiling happily, with ever growing sun-tans, we are committed in all conditions, even if the worthing weather comes to visit us while we are on the boat - after all, as I learnt long ago.... Prior preparation prevents pi** poor performance!!

Tomorrow, Saturday 15th September, we are heading down to Sandbanks, for 2 days of swimming. The weather is destined to be beautiful, the beach is sandy, the sea certainly not as dynamic as Brighton, it will be the last time the four of us swim together before the Channel swim itself - Mental, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Preparation all wrapped up together, can’t wait! Especially as the team swimsuits have arrived!!

Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans

I’ve always been busy.

This challenge to swim the channel has once again put a major goal into my life that followed 4 years of pretty intense activity already, with my karate training for my 1st Dan (blackbelt), and building a house for 2 years, and then this last 18 months of training, and as we accelerate through the 2 weeks before the event, I am already thinking about what is next.

However, amidst all of that rushing around, my father has become very ill, a second stroke completely paralysing him this time - unlike last time he couldn’t beat it, and he has only a little time left.

Last week I had a melt down, my workload is huge again, we have decided to sell our beautiful home, trying to swim as much as possible in order to not let my team down, and then dealing with the intense emotions from my Dads condition and the impact on all of our family. I called for help from a friend, I don’t do that often, She listened as I sobbed, and then asked a powerful question, an obvious question unless you are busy....What are you going to ‘Not Do’.

In the split second of realising I could give myself permission to not do it all - the relief was audible. You would think once you’d experienced this you would never forget, oh no, it has happened many times over the years, and here I am again, needing a nudge from someone who cares.

So how does all that relate to my channel swim? I’ve been so busy I nearly forgot to enjoy it... I had an incredible holiday at the end of July when I swam nearly every day, one day I swam 4 hours over the day which should be the maximum we swim at the end of this month, and I reveled in it! But once I came back, got back into work, got sick with laryngitis, and got too busy to swim frequently, I realised it had become a chore.

Oh my god! 'Life' becomes a chore when you are too busy!

Or of course your 'busy-ness is not aligned to your purpose :)

Saturday the universe conspired to reward me for deciding what NOT to do, I prioritised Dad and Swimming over everything else, and Brighton was beautiful, the sun shone, the sea was like a lake and our first 75 minute swim was easy, invigorating and fulfilling. The second swim equally wonderful, and then lounging in the sun on the beach musing with my friends was a real oasis.

On reflection, I have always sought an oasis, that has been what has kept me nourished to deal with the rest of my busy world. I need to build my oasis into my daily world, to find solace in my family, joy in simplicity and quiet, and hope in a productive future rather than a busy one. As another good friend said ‘Your biggest challenge would be to spend the next 3 months doing nothing’...

I confess, I’m not sure how I will do that yet, but if you are my friend and you are reading this, rest assured I’ll be calling on you.

www.justgiving.com/nikki-watkins-seabreezers

Sea Breezers in the Sea at last!

"Look at the Waves" "let's find the lifeguards and ask them where to swim." "OK, but let's tell them we are experienced open water swimmers but that we haven't swum in Brighton before" "Have you got suntan lotion on?" "No, I never wear it, we'll be fine" !

Saturday 30th June

The sun shining, the wind blowing, we ventured to Brighton. Just Niki and I with our new GB Olympic styled swimsuits and new white mirrored goggles, and pink Gnarly Nutters hats - Funny how your kit seems so important to set you up for a good swim!. With 18 mph ssw wind, and 0% chance of rain, it was still surprising how empty the beach was, in fact when we arrived at 11.30 (we waited for the cloud to clear), there were no swimmers, and anyone else who was mad enough to be on the beach was fully clothed.

Please take our picture?" we said to the couples next to us who were watching our rituals of getting ready, and the man with the two small children called at us and our bravery:)

'

The advice was to swim in front of the buoys (about 100 meters out from shore), it took 7 minutes just to get out to a place where the waves were breaking slightly less over our heads, we squealed and giggled as we leapt up over the enormous waves, trying to look like we had even been in the sea before, eventually we realised we just had to swim.

So we swam! and we smiled, and swam and swallowed sea water, and swam some more, The sea was powerful, and as we relaxed into the rhythm it struck me that the one thing I didn't have to think about was the swimming, my arms and legs were working as they needed to, thank goodness for the relentless pool lengths, the cold water swims, the lake challenges, and the muscle memory. For the first time, I truly, really, just thought about the conditions, rolling with the waves, aiming for the top of the big crashing ones, and waiting for the next breath if the waves crashed over me. And of course, every time I looked left there was Lemon, a pink hat, reminding me that we are in this together.

That was just before we both lost our goggles. 42 minutes into our first swim. Gone within 60 seconds of each other. Once more a reminder of how powerful the sea is, dunked, rolled, bashed and stripped of sight. And a 15 minute walk back to our towels on the stony beach. Advice from the Lifeguard "Wear your goggles under your hat, that way they can't get swept off" DUH! Seeemples!!!

Not to be outdone. We warmed up for an hour, ate, drank, sunbathed fully clothed, and snuggled under towels, blankets, and Johns big dressing gown. Then we got up and did it again, spare goggles under our hats this time, and the waves even bigger. 25 minutes to swim to the buoys this time, In the end we just swam, as if in a wave machine in a pool, going nowhere, but exhausting swimming and such great experience. A few vomiting sessions, alot of gagging on salt water, and a thousand flashes of memory of the sun breaking through, shining on our shoulders, the GB swimsuits flashing white and blue, the pink hats visible above everything, and the noise of the waves with the silence of being amidst them. 64 minutes. Done. A little sunburn won't stop us doing it again:)

Simply beautiful. Simply swimming. Simply the Sea. Sea Breezers Go.

Command your thoughts...

Wednesday 27 June 2012

“Are you going slower or am I going faster?” I said to Niki Lemon this morning during our early morning sabbatical to the Serpentine amidst the mosquitos and weeds...

Funny how we compare ourselves to others (or is that just me :) Every time I hit another milestone I think about all those who do it better, faster, smarter, more efficiently, for longer, and remind myself I can do more. Well, not as gently as a reminder most of the time.

That little voice that sits on my shoulder asking me if I am good enough, or telling me i’m not. She’s the one that visits when I am feeling vulnerable, scared, defensive or just a bit low, and then I doubt myself. Over the years I have built various strategies for dealing with that, and whilst some of those are still external, (it’s good to be reassured), the most powerful is when I have a quiet word with myself, revisit old affirmations, re-read the inspiring words of Marianne Williamson, or with my belief in synchronicity something drops into my inbox/is said/ appears on facebook:- This morning it was ‘If you want to be happy set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates energy and inspires your hopes’ Andrew Carnegie.

Command your thoughts. They run away with you!

Saturday 14th June

The Sea Breezers set a goal to go to Dover to swim our 2 hour ratification swim for the channel. The weather was horrific, so instead we hit the serpentine at 6.45 am, had a morale boosting discussion, committed to each other that the 5 of us (including our coach and friend Pete) would do the 2 hour swim no matter what. It was pretty non-negotiable, and with that at the front of my mind, the rest was history.

It was a first, a first for me, and a first for everyone else! None of us had ever swum 2 hours constantly in one bout and certainly not in 15 degree water. We talked about it afterwards and realised the collective commitment was by far the biggest determinant of success in the end. For me, I didn’t even allow any thought to enter my head except a gentle countdown, an easy rhythm, and staying in the present, no dramatising, no forward projecting, and no doubt.

When we are in the channel in September, I will know that I can swim 2 hours, and with that knowing comes a little peace.

With all the preparation in May and June - Eton for 2 different open water swims, Marlow Lake Monday and Thursday nights, and the Serpentine for early morning day break swims, I was ready for a trip to the Seaside - June 30th 2012 - Niki Lemon and I couldn't wait!

Humility Rules OK

The Lake is open!!

That's the thought I woke up with, after talking to another swimmer in wycombe pool about the fact the olympians are swimming in it (Russians I think...) they've come early, and every 50 meter pool in the area has given up water for this wonderful mission! He asked me if I'd swum in the lake yet, I boldly told him I was way ahead of him, having swum the Serpentine in a swimsuit and Poole in rainy, choppy conditions. Pride before a fall?....

In all eagerness I reached out to anyone I thought might 'fancy' a swim with me in the Westhorpe lake in marlow on Bank holiday monday 7th May. Plenty of hope as always, and just 45 minutes before planned entry the lovely Juliette called asking if I was going - 'Really??'. Now, it's not normal for me, but for some reason I felt a little trepdation around this particular swim, I confessed to being nervous and delight at her coming. Perhaps the thought of going alone, or the knowledge that with only 20 weeks to go, I just have to 'get on with it' - there are no walls to kick off from, it just requires one arm after the other, and the face to be in the water. I say 'Just'....

On arrival there were about 30 other swimmers, including a few from the Gnarly nutters clb that I regularly swim with - Craig and Richard, all talking about doing a full loop of the lake - around a mile if I understand correctly. Juliette, a little more sensible, was suggesting (and only because she'd already cycled 77 miles that day - gulp) that we just swim to the first buoy and back. My bravado, lack of analysis on the enormity of the situation led me to agree a full loop was the only option. Fully wetsuited, 2 hats, goggles, ear plugs, and getting into the 12 degree water was ok!

The 'OK' Ended there

The wetsuit felt like an over tight glove strangling my neck, the murky water with the branches, leaves and floating debris was disturbing, the cold seeped into my brain, and the buoy looked miles away, even further when every stroke doesn't take you forwards but sideways (I haven't figured out swimming in a straight line). Thank the Lord for Juliette, for her patience, her gentleness, her encouragement and her constant checking in that I was ok. Breathing became the biggest problem, the inability to take a full breath, regardless of how much I tried to relax, although the voice of the two men who coached us at the serpentine and poole also didn't allow for much relaxation

"Keep swimming, you'll get too cold, and then you will be in trouble!"

So the conflict continued in my head.

'Don't cry' 'Get me out of here''Keep Swimming' 'Please let me stop''The wetsuit will help if you let it''My arms aren't working'

. The voices were so loud.

It's cathartic to write this all down. Some things I do know:- The journey to the end game can be tough, and the tough days maximise learning in a way that good days just don't seem to. I had a few like that in the training for my BlackBelt in Karate a few years ago. I cried for 2 days solid after one particularly tough session. Speaking to a a leader today, he spoke to the value of making mistakes/'losing'/ failing, being 3-4 times more powerful than the winning, and it's what I preach to leaders regularly. The 'Knowing Doing Gap' as i would say to my kids. AND a greater purpose than just crossing the lake - watch out for our JustGiving page...

As much as I want to be superwoman, perfect, invincible, and have all the drivers to be ok, this was a reminder of the power of nature, and the enormity of the mind over body, and a perfect learning point to see how I responded. We stopped short of the first buoy and Juliette gave me permission to swim back, touching her toes, swimming 40 strokes at a time. Vulnerable, Humbled, and trying to digest the learning without beating myself to hard, we made it back.

It seems so dramatic now in hindsight, but was so scary at the time, and patience with myself is going to be a key part of the next 20 weeks.

Once again, I have Juliette to thank, who broke down the journey into bitesize chunks, and a wonderful phone call with Niki as I whimpered down the phone, a vital reminder that women, when we support each other, are powerful beyond measure (to quote Marianne Williamson), and I know, I know now, that there will be more times like this, but I am not alone. There are wonderful people there to remind us that when we ask, we seek, we are vulnerable, people will step in and help and how wonderful that is to be cared for in such a visible way.